I’m channeling my inner Steven Wright this week. I did have an article about politics and Donald Trump, but I’m sick of thinking about it. And I also found out I have a great-great uncle named Trump on my mom’s side. No idea who the G-G-U might be related to but just in case, I don’t want to say any negative things and possibly lose my visit to the White House.
So I’m wondering… since it’s Fall, should pregnant women or people with a heart condition have to sign an EMS waiver before going into a corn maze?
Should we give men a conversion chart of apologies when they start dating or get married? For example, “Good=Good; Fine=Bad.” If you’re late, buy flowers. If you’re late because you had drinks with your ex-girlfriend, see Jewelry Chart. If you slept with her, call Don Hewlett.
“We need to talk… I think you need to spend more time playing golf and I really wish you’d tell me which sports channels to add to our cable package,” said no woman ever.
If the dentist is more than ten minutes late for your appointment, I think you should be allowed to eat Oreos while you wait.
Usain Bolt would get a ticket for running in a school zone.
I couldn’t live the life of a dog. You’re always naked, you don’t understand what anyone is saying, people always want to touch you and you spend your day hoping someone will scratch your butt.
If Obama lived in Kenya would he be their first white President?
“Cleave” means to unite and also to separate. “Fat Chance” and “Slim Chance” mean the same thing.
Why do we spend a lot of money to water our grass so it will grow just so we can cut it every week?
If you want someone to really smile when you take their picture, tell them “I love you” instead of “say cheese.”
The number of people in the world who are older than you will never get any larger.
Do you think the lobsters on the Titanic high-fived each other when they heard the crash?
The greatest benefit to cell phones is not communication or information. It’s knowing that only the world’s most depraved jackwagons will still push you into a pool.
If I majored in German in Germany instead of English in Virginia and was born in 1928 rather than 1968, I could have been an actual grammar Nazi.
How long before YouTube is full of depressing videos from GoPro cameras found next to piles of bones in caves, at the bottoms of cliffs, inside snowbanks and next to men who slept with their ex-girlfriends?
Why is there braille on a drive-up ATM?
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
Would Anthony Weiner take more suitable photos if his name were Anthony Nicesmile? I guess we should just be thankful his name isn’t Anthony Serialkiller.
Ambi-textrous: the word to describe my condition during the 6-15 minutes between taking an Ambien and total sleep when I send absolute nonsense messages on my phone.
So if I interpret the news correctly, when a police officer shoots an unarmed white suspect, we get to burn Connecticut?
We all know if you have second thoughts about a trip to Indian country, it’s a Reservation reservation. But you might not realize if Captain Kirk started a rental car company aboard ship it would be the Enterprise Enterprise enterprise.
The Devil has never actually made anyone do it. What if he was the one who invented the Internet and he’s just been grounded and doing community service for a really, really long time? (Don’t argue chronology; everyone knows there’s no time in heaven.)
I also decided there is a second reason to hate Facebook—besides all the annoying notifications and popups when you download a game. I can’t hardly complain about how busy I am when my daily news feed shows I am on level 197 in CookieJam or Piano Tiles. I am always surprised at the names popping up on my page and what games they are apparently obsessed with or inviting me to play with them. Everyone needs a little down time, of course, but I think maybe I’ll link the National Register instead. I can at least fake looking smart.
Big Brother strikes again.
