I’m not a wise person, so I can’t take credit for most of the pearls I live by. I am, however, smart enough to have remembered them because I have found myself chewing on the rough side of my own foot on many occasions when I’ve said the most wrongest thing.
First, always go to the funeral—for anyone you know—if you can. People who never met my father came to his services out of respect for me and it is those people I recall vividly because it was a warm surprise to see them.
It meant little when people told me “It gets easier.” But my boss at the time, MGEN Tony Studds, said “Just know that every day when you wake up, you will have a few more moments of peace before you remember to be sad.” That was concrete information I could use.
When I find out someone is suffering from a recent loss, I always ask them to tell me their favorite story about their lost loved one. Or what was your favorite thing about him/her? What did he/she love to do most? Bringing to mind the love and happiness is a relief, even momentarily, from grief and that person is likely to remember that you brought some cheer.
My friend Tod gave me help on gift giving. I was struggling to find a gift for a new boyfriend that would mean something (i.e., impress him). Tod said, “If you don’t know yet what is important to him, give him something that is important to you so he will think of you when he uses it.” The boyfriend turned out to be a sociopath but Tod is still my friend and his advice is still good. It is also handy when you’ve known someone a long time and have run out of cool ideas.
Next, it never hurts to stockpile canned questions or responses if you’ve found yourself back-pedaling with a red face in the past. I’ve been on the receiving end of an awkward question or two so I have conversations in my head all the time to avoid the same mistake.
When people ask me how old my grandson is and I reply He’s my son and he’s 8, I usually follow up with “Parenthood turned my hair white early” or something similar. Thus, when I see an adult and child together, I never presume to know their relationship and simply say What a cute little boy/girl, you look happy together.
Recently I had occasion to visit with a couple, older than me, who have no kids. I didn’t ask but I’m sure they have been asked a million times “Why not… didn’t you want them… couldn’t you have them?” I figure that conversation always included pity if they couldn’t, or mild guilt if it was a choice. I decided to just say “Well you are so great, you make everyone feel like family.” I’ve complimented them and deflected from kids entirely.
When I was a military wife, people said all kinds of stupid things. I love my husband too much to let him deploy; or—my favorite—I know how you feel, my cousin’s husband is deployed. (Oh yeah, that’s exactly the same.) In that case, it’s perfectly proper to go with the standard, “Thank you for your sacrifice and his/her service” because unless you are or have been a military spouse or parent, you really don’t know how it feels to watch scary news alone every night.
I had occasion to be friends with WWE Smackdown champion John Layfield. He was also a finance guru who had a regular spot on Fox News and his pearl was profoundly helpful in my younger years. “When you get out of college, or any time, look around the home you grew up in and resolve NOT to go out and duplicate that in a hurry. Your parents took 30 years to earn that and you’ll just dive into debt if you try to do it any faster.”
One thing I am proud to have taught myself is how to recognize, acknowledge and be grateful for the things I am *not* good at. Realizing that I am a Do-er and not a Decider saved me from banging my head against a wall throughout the second half of my life. Back when I was an EMT, I possibly, literally, saved lives by not being in charge or making decisions, and just performing important tasks as instructed.
I was not meant for leadership or C-level jobs because I think best deliberately and creatively…not decisively or on my feet. The latter ended in frustration or failure so I finally decided to quit trying, and focus on things I do well.
Not swimming upstream was a huge relief. Connecting what I am good at has made me supremely confident in my ability—in the right time and space—to create, execute and produce great things. I no longer waste time trying to be something I’m not. It’s quite liberating.
So, while my pearls will not make you rich, or necessarily happy, I hope maybe they help someone avoid a future random awkward moment. That’s a pretty nice reward too.
